Kryptonite Found on Cabarete Beach
ANALYSTS CONFIRMED yesterday that at least one small rock containing Kryptonite had been found at an unidentified beach in Cabarete. They indicated that other rocks had been found in the same location, but these comprised mostly of plain average rock, that is to say, Kryptonium, Krimson, Krypolite and Unbihexium, and not the rare green Kryptonite that was used to weaken Superman.
The rocks have been handed over to the Dominican government who has indicated that it would be holding on to the rare find for security purposes.
“We never know when it might come in useful”, acknowledged spokesperson for the Government, Senor Jose Guzman.
“If Superman were to change sides, it might be the only protection we’d have.”
We asked Senor Guzman, why he thought Superman might attack the Dominican Republic, but he declined to comment. We later contacted his office to ask if it was likely, given that the Government had Kryptonite, that Superman would in future lend assistance in the case of an emergency such as a hurricane? His office was unable to comment. Later we tried speaking to an actual person in his office, but apparently 1am was ‘not a good time to call’.
Meanwhile, rumors have surfaced indicating that Microsoft, Google and DC Comics have expressed an interest in acquiring the mineral. A press officer from DC Comics would only state that “We invented the stuff, so we should be the ones to get it.”
Neither Bill Gates or whoever runs Google would confirm or deny the rumours, but top US strategist Martin Bells who provided the rumour was happy to provide an explanation to the reasons behind the rumour.
“I’m pretty sure this rumour wouldn’t have started if there wasn’t some truth behind it”, he stated. “Both Microsoft and Google are looking for anything that can give them some competitive advantage in the war to dominate the world, and Kryptonite could give them that edge. In Microsoft’s case, Windows Vista hasn’t yet had the desired effect of reducing all PC users to morons, and Google hasn’t yet managed to ensure all online searches end up as half a day’s fruitless waste of time.”
“So, might other companies such as Yahoo be interested in acquiring it?” we asked Martin.
“Ah… yes....“, proffered Martin. “In my opinion, Yahoo would be a fool not to want it. I’ll include them in the rumour from now on.”
We got in touch with the team who found the rocks in Cabarete, and asked them how they originally discovered the mineral.
“We first suspected the possibility, when we noticed someon was selling little luminous green rocks on Ebay, the internet auction site,”, said Kent Lark, the team’s leader.
“Green rocks aren’t that common, especially ones that can incapacitate superheroes.”
“We tracked down the seller to a condo in Cabarete, and at the same time we were contacted by a Cabarete hotelier who had an American guest by the name of ‘Luther’. Apparently, this Mr Luther was in a pretty poor state, and kept muttering that he’d lost something down the beach. It didn’t take us long to put the two together.”
“So is Kryptonite really dangerous to humans”, we asked Mr Lark
“Not at all,” he reassured us.
Of course then we had to ask him why he was wearing so much protective clothing.
“Ah, I’m just playing safe - I’m not from around here.” Mr Lark was then reportedly seen to be looking for a phone booth.
The Gringo Times will be reporting on any further finds from Cabarete beach in future editions.
Note: The Gringo Times suggests that anyone finding glowing green rocks or Sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide with fluorine in the Cabarete area should contact us immediately as the mineral has not yet been proven to be not dangerous to humans, kite-boarders and pollos. Also, we can dispose of the rock in the safest possible way (on Ebay).