The Bush Interview

The most talked about interview of 2008. Even Oprah didn’t get a whiff. Yup - Bush really said all this.

We met up with Bush in a field outside Cabarete. He was looking a little leafy, but was keen to talk.

So Mr Bush, thanks for agreeing to the interview. How are you finding the Dominican?
"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself - not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch."
Well we’re all glad that you are ok.
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
It’s good to see you back in the area. I hear you plan to make some changes here?
"In terms of timetables, as quickly as possible—whatever that means."
And what sort of changes did you have in mind, new roads, and better hospitals?
"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental - supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."
You think more body parts are needed here?
"The CIA laid out several scenarios and said life could be lousy, life could be OK, life could be better, and they were just guessing as to what the conditions might be like."
Did you ask them which how they came to that conclusion?
“Will the highways on the Internet become more few? We are ready for any unforeseen event which may or may not happen.”
Not sure I follow you on that one. On another matter, education is the focus of one of your primary policies, is it not?
“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.”
Can I ask - do you read the in depth and amazingly researched reports in the Gringo Times?
"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and our guest read it."
Well that is good to hear. And can we introduce your guest?
"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Hi Karyn, you don’t look much like our esteemed guest, but nice to have you here anyway. Are you a political animal?
“I understand small business growth. I was one.”
Ah, ok, thanks Karyn. Good to see you have the finger on the pulse – of answering questions with irrelevant answers.

Mr Bush, can I ask what originally prompted you to make the decision to declare war on Iraq?
“Are you going to ask that question with shades on?”
I can take them off.
“I'm interested in the shade look, seriously.”
All right, I'll keep it, then.
“For the viewers, there's no sun.”
I guess it depends on your perspective.
"My job is a job to make decisions. I'm a decision - if the job description were, what do you do - it's decision maker."
But what did you base your decision on?
"Forms of government matter, in my opinion. It matters how - the nature of the government in which people live."
Yes I think we would all agree with that.
"And my concern, David, is several."
Sorry, Mr Bush, but my name is Bubba Henry J. Klondyke III.
"Because of your work, children who once wanted to die are now preparing to live."
Ah, I wasn’t aware of that, but I appreciate the thought.
"You're one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions."
Again thank you, but I’m just a lowly reporter – maybe you’re confusing me with someone.
'They misunderestimated me.'
I’m sure you’re aware that Haiti is right next door to the Dominican Republic. Would you consider invading the Dominican?
"If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about."
It’s quite possible we do – I’ve never thought to check. Does Dick Cheney feel the same away?
"I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality."
So you are not of the same mind on some aspects, particularly the chicken-plucking factory?
"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
You want to elevate it? To where? Ah, you mean eradicate it?
"And I suspect that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses."
That certainly sounds weird, but my name isn’t Toby, it’s ….. ah, forget it.
"One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards.”
You talk as if this is a game?
"That's why we are inconveniencing air traffickers, to make sure nobody is carrying weapons on airplanes."
But this war on terror – will it ever end?
"I'm going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I'm smart on the subject."

Well thank you very much for the interview, Mr Bush, but I have to go. TBS is doing a rerun of ‘Everybody loves Raymond” – and I couldn’t bear like to miss it. And please say ‘Hi’ to Condoleezza for me.
“That woman who knew I had dyslexia: I never interviewed her.”